Interview With... Paul Tristram

The world ends in 24 hours. How are you spending it?

Well, after I’ve made sure that all the women, children and old folk in the neighbourhood are hidden safely from the gangs of marauders out on the rampage… I would find a quiet spot to reflect upon my journey thus far through life, weighing up the negatives against the positives and readying myself, spiritually to meet thine maker. Or, more probable, I’ll be halfway through my 3rd crate of beer, after robbing the local cocaine dealer with one of the sawn-off shotguns and hiding out very noisily up in the attic of the busiest Cathouse in the red light area, sticking my cock into one hole after the other until I’m too sick and tired to care about anything but the blessed relief of sleep & oblivion.

What was the first book you remember reading?

Hustler, Mayfair or Playboy. Actually a book from a library, a collection of short stories by Alfred Hitchcock (He may not have actually written them himself but he’d filmed them all at some point!) I was in Borstal and bored, you could have a book a week in your cell. They put me in this prison library and told me to take my pick, I didn’t have a clue so I grabbed that book because he was the only name I recognized (At the time!) Also I was suffering from permanent migraines and, well, let’s not beat about the bush here, fucking brain damage from years of gang fighting and solvent abuse and my head was so mashed back then that I could just about manage to read a single page of a newspaper at one sitting, it took me a decade to be able to regain concentration and focus, so short stories seemed like a good idea. Although I didn’t get past the first few pages because I ended up throwing the fucking thing at a Peter Thief’s noggin (someone who creeps into a prison cell and steals).

What is your favourite book / one book everybody should read?

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens or The Castle by Franz Kafka (But in saying that, ask me tomorrow and I’d give you a couple of different ones!)

Bruce Springsteen once told me about his hometown. Tell me a little about yours.

Welsh post-industrial town, grew up there in the 80’s during Thatcher’s reign of terror. There are lots of mining villages up the hills and valleys, she closed all them down. Lots of poor, angry disillusioned people drunk and violent in the aftermath. They’d come down from the valleys to go drinking in the town centre of Neath at the weekends (That’s where the women & pubs are at!) and being all tribal it’s kicking off left, right and centre all the time. Nice place to look at, just don’t go looking at anyone for too long or you’re going home in a fucking

ambulance… I don’t know, it’s home, innit.

What are you most afraid of?

You mean apart from that ‘Soberphobia’ I heroically suffer from? Women with sharp fingernails (Don’t ask, I’m still cringing at the fucking memory!)

What makes you feel nostalgic?

Spiteful women & reversing police cars.

Do you have a set writing process?

No, sometimes it just pours out or sometimes I get my shit ready and drink a coffee or a beer and before I’m finished with the first drink I’m ‘In Like Flynn’.

What advice would you give to young writers / people who are hopeless at doing it?

Keep doing it / wipe from front to back.

If you could commit one crime and get away with it, what would it be?

I never discuss a work in progress… it’s simply bad luck.

Go on, have a super power. What would you like?

Thank you… I’d like an asbestos liver and concrete kidneys.

You can smack any living person in the face and they won't sue, I promise. Who are you hitting?

Oh, I don’t give a fuck about court fines, they just keep a hustling man on his toes.

It’s hard being a writer, isn’t it? Why do you do it?

I don’t think it’s hard… frustrating sometimes, but I absolutely love it! I do it because I’m good at it, that simple, I keep doing everything I’m good at.

You can sleep with any famous figure, alive or dead. Who are you taking?

I’m guessing you’re talking about ’banging’ rather than spooning? Christ, we’ll be here all fucking night… there are millions of them. Caroline Munroe from the old Hammer Horror films. Christina Applegate in the 90’s. I wouldn’t kick that Mila Kunis outta bed (Not without a fight!) I’ve never been a super hero/comic book fan in my life but I got dragged to the cinema the other day to see that Suicide Squad and I’m half-drunk and that Harley Quinn came on and I fucking go off don’t I… there’s some half-drunk guy down the front upset because he saw her first, I told him loudly that he stood absolutely no chance of barrelling her ‘cause my arse would be in the way… I vaulted 3 rows of seats and he fell over and got a carpet burn on his chops and we hugged and laughed, I have a new friend now, aww.

What are some of your other passions aside from writing?

I like listening to the cello. I love looking at paintings. And I’m a massive music collector.

Tell me about any work you have published / will be publishing / can only dream of publishing.

I’ve got a book of short stories out last year called ‘Scribblings of A Madman’. I’ve got a novel out this year called ‘Kicking Back Drunk’. I’ve got another book of short stories / flash fiction in the bag… and then I have ten 250 page volumes of poetry (Obviously this figure keeps on rising!) ready to roll after that.